Thursday, June 4, 2009

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

relizations and revelations on a tuesday night

It's 4:21 in the morning and I'm eating an apple with peanut butter. I'm desperately needing a cigarette which can't be had until my parents leave for work at 8ish. So I 4 hrs to go. I'm contemplating my life and the priorities, that have recently been in control. I'm finally taking a hard look and reevaluating what I'm doing with my life. I have spent many hours in bed wallowing like a tragic hero who has fallen due to hubris. And in a way it was hubris that has brought me to this point. Countless times, I laughed in the face of the academic gods, giving them half assed attempts at being a student. And it worked too! For awhile at least.....and then the many all nighters and late assignments caught up to me. One day I realized where the attitude had gotten me......Nowhere. I had become an average student with no exceptional talents or skills. I had friends who were exceptional musicians and artists or writers. I had dabbled in all of those things and showed talent in all. What made me different from them? Why didn't I have a talent that destinguisded me from everyone. I realized now that I had no drive. They all were trying to be the best they could be. I only had the drive to be the best until something got too hard and fustrated me. Then I cut and run. Which is exactly what happened with school.

The right thing to do when you realize that you've become mediocre at everything that you have tried, is to actually work harder and show the world what you're made of........I did exactly the opposite I gave up and became a recluse. I slept to escape reality knowing that it was only a temporary fix. And now I am finally waking up. No more half assed attempts at life. I am going to idnetify what I want and get it.